A Mum Who Uses Her Kids As An Excuse

I’ve managed to hold an exclusive interview, with a mum who uses her kids as an excuse in all kinds of situations. She’s brutally honest. I respect that.

If you’re visiting friends without your kids, what do you say when you want to leave?

I’ve faked a phone-call once and pretended their baby sitter was having a hay-fever attack. You can’t take care of kids when you’re eyes are swollen shut and you’re sneezing with every breath. At least, that’s what I told my friends.

If I haven’t got access to my phone, I’ll usually tell them the baby sitter has a drinking problem after 4pm. She’s perfectly capable beforehand though, I make that clear.

Same question but when your kids are with you…

This one’s easy. All you need to say is ”I think little Petey is getting the snuffles, I best take him home, it could be his allergies”.

Another favourite is saying my child is tired. Childless friends won’t understand, but mums always get it. Petey needs to seem tired for this to work, otherwise friends will catch on and say it’s not him that needs to leave, it’s me that wants to leave. Don’t let your child give the game away.

What do you say to visitors when your house is messy?

I’m tired of apologising for the mess. My children enjoy playing in mess. They enjoy making a mess. So that’s exactly what I tell people. ”Excuse the mess, this is just our house now’‘. I don’t make the mess, I have to let visitors know the children wreak havoc no matter how many times I tidy. If I tidy. Sometimes todays’ mess was also last weeks mess, who cares.

When you have a chocolate stain on your top how do you explain it?

I tell people the kids wiped food on me. Unless it’s obviously chocolate, then I mix things up a little and say it’s their poo. I don’t want people knowing I feed my babes chocolate. They’ll judge me a lot less if I tell them my youngest wiped crap down my top. I then justify going out dressed like this by saying my kids wouldn’t let me change my top. You have to justify why you’re walking around with crap on your top. Saying they were hanging from you like monkeys in a tree, is the best reason you weren’t able to change.

Really, you just couldn’t be bothered. It’s more washing and you know it’s only chocolate, you might fancy that chocolate later.

How do you blame the children for your weight gain?

Before birthing them, I carried their tiny bodies inside me for 9 months (although it’s 40 weeks, to me, that’s 10 months). Their cravings throughout these months were cereal, enchiladas and Indian takeaways. How could I decline feeding my growing dots what they wanted, all day, every day.

It’s a year later and I haven’t lost the weight because I don’t have time. The best excuse I can give, which we all give at some point is ”I don’t have time, I’m being a mum”. Who wants to get up early to squeeze in a workout, when child two was awake all night slapping your forehead. Not me, that’s for sure.

I want to lose the weight, but I also want to eat nachos.

What’s your excuse when you’re late?

I have a selection to choose from:

  • Child wouldn’t get dressed
  • Child needed the toilet ten times before leaving
  • Child wouldn’t go to the toilet before leaving
  • Child filled their nappy
  • Child refused to leave the house
  • Child needed pink bunny, which was seen this morning but has now disappeared
  • Car wouldn’t start (because it can’t always be their fault)

How do you get out of going to events?

Usually I say I can’t find a babysitter. That one is faultless.

Unless the children are invited too, then I will say the kids have been extremely naughty and we cannot attend. This isn’t always possible, so maybe an upfront ”they’re just not thrilled about this event”, or telling them they’re not of the right age for the event. If that doesn’t work ”oh, this Saturday, I didn’t realise you meant this Saturday. Petey has a party to go to”. Genius.

Never say they’re ill. You’re risking the chance of them actually becoming ill and you’ll only have yourself to blame.

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This mum is shameless about blaming her children for everything. It’s so easy to do, haven’t you?


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29 Comments

    • firstooth
      February 17, 2016 / 8:11 am

      Thank you!

  1. February 17, 2016 / 8:06 am

    Ha ha – us childless lot can see through these! 🙂

    Sally @ Life Loving
    #BloggerClubUK

    • firstooth
      February 17, 2016 / 8:11 am

      You can?! Oh balls!! Lol

  2. February 17, 2016 / 8:33 am

    Yes, I definitely make excuses based around my child. I have a sign on the door saying “please no door knockers, light sleeping baby lives here”. I just don’t want to answer the door to salespeople and fundraisers 😉 Loved this list, such a funny read. The chocolate on the top is a real quandary, do you admit it was your chocolate or do you let people know you feed your children chocolate? Nope, you call it poop!

    • firstooth
      February 17, 2016 / 9:59 am

      Love it! I should do similar I’ve been caught out a few times by sales people, I’m holding one baby in my arms while blocking the other from escaping. Always call the chocolate stain poop! Thanks so much for your lovely comment

  3. February 17, 2016 / 9:38 am

    The babysitter one works a treat every time…I can’t exactly say I can’t be arsed going out, I just want to sit on the sofa, watch TV then have an early night – can I? #bloggerclubuk

    • firstooth
      February 17, 2016 / 10:01 am

      You could to me, I totally get it! We just want to sit in peace sometimes and that’s not a good enough excuse to cancel plans, that’s where our babes come in

  4. February 17, 2016 / 9:57 am

    Hahahahaha I use my kids as an excuse ALL THE TIME!!
    #bestandworst

    • firstooth
      February 17, 2016 / 10:02 am

      It’s the easiest way to politely decline! Our poor kids have no idea how amazing they are, for all sorts of reasons 😉

  5. February 17, 2016 / 8:34 pm

    Brilliant! I must admit I have used my daughter when late or didn’t want to go somewhere. They are great little scapegoats. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  6. February 17, 2016 / 8:42 pm

    Haha brilliant. I’ve used my child as an excuse loads of times…especially for leaving places.

    #BloggerClubUK

  7. February 18, 2016 / 1:11 am

    I’m pleased that the excuse of the kids being ill isn’t used, I think that one’s harsh anything else is fair game 🙂 #brillblogposts
    Debbie

  8. February 18, 2016 / 9:19 am

    Absolutely epic.
    But of course I wouldn’t have used any of these 😉

  9. February 18, 2016 / 3:21 pm

    hahahahahahhaha I can’t stop laughing at poo on your top. What a great idea. My husband is forever coming home and catching me with chocolate on my top (trying to lose weight, honest) and I never know what to say. Now I’m going to use the poo excuse. You never know, he may take pity on me and buy me chocolate :o) Renee @peonieandme #bestandworst

  10. February 18, 2016 / 10:49 pm

    Great idea for a post. We’ve all done some of these at some point #BloggersClubUK

  11. Life Love and Dirty Dishes
    February 19, 2016 / 8:18 am

    I love the no baby sitter excuse when I really can’t be arsed to go out for the night 🙂 Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  12. February 19, 2016 / 5:15 pm

    ”Excuse the mess, this is just our house now” ha ha ha!! I love this! I want this on a plaque instead of the sh*t making memories one!!!

    #BrilliantBlogPosts

  13. February 19, 2016 / 7:11 pm

    I think at some point we’ve all used at least one of these. Sometimes they are even true. sometimes

  14. February 21, 2016 / 8:11 am

    These are great! I love the ….they are getting tired one. Although, for us, that is usually really the case. #bloggerclubuk

  15. February 22, 2016 / 1:40 pm

    LOL I love that thinking the mark is poo is better than people thinking she feeds her kids chocolate. Oh, that made me laugh & laugh. Kids are a brilliant excuse for things – leaving or not going. They are easy to blame & never the wiser 😉 Thanks so much for sharing with #bloggerclubuk x

  16. February 23, 2016 / 11:16 pm

    Shameless about blaming her children for everything!! Priceless. (Why not? If you can get away with it…?!) #BestAndWorst

    • firstooth
      February 26, 2016 / 10:25 pm

      Exactly!!

  17. February 25, 2016 / 12:46 pm

    Oh yes, children are amazing! My husband uses them (and me) as an excuse to get out of events. Oh I am so sorry I can’t come, Laura’s had a tough week with the boys and it’s not really fair, means I want to go home, sit in my PJs and eat takeaway!!!

    • firstooth
      February 26, 2016 / 10:30 pm

      Cheeky!! Mine is the same, normally it’s true. I may have just sent him a sweary text saying if he leaves me alone that night, I will change the locks

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