I’ve managed to hold an exclusive interview, with a mum who uses her kids as an excuse in all kinds of situations. She’s brutally honest. I respect that.
If you’re visiting friends without your kids, what do you say when you want to leave?
I’ve faked a phone-call once and pretended their baby sitter was having a hay-fever attack. You can’t take care of kids when you’re eyes are swollen shut and you’re sneezing with every breath. At least, that’s what I told my friends.
If I haven’t got access to my phone, I’ll usually tell them the baby sitter has a drinking problem after 4pm. She’s perfectly capable beforehand though, I make that clear.
Same question but when your kids are with you…
This one’s easy. All you need to say is ”I think little Petey is getting the snuffles, I best take him home, it could be his allergies”.
Another favourite is saying my child is tired. Childless friends won’t understand, but mums always get it. Petey needs to seem tired for this to work, otherwise friends will catch on and say it’s not him that needs to leave, it’s me that wants to leave. Don’t let your child give the game away.
What do you say to visitors when your house is messy?
I’m tired of apologising for the mess. My children enjoy playing in mess. They enjoy making a mess. So that’s exactly what I tell people. ”Excuse the mess, this is just our house now’‘. I don’t make the mess, I have to let visitors know the children wreak havoc no matter how many times I tidy. If I tidy. Sometimes todays’ mess was also last weeks mess, who cares.
When you have a chocolate stain on your top how do you explain it?
I tell people the kids wiped food on me. Unless it’s obviously chocolate, then I mix things up a little and say it’s their poo. I don’t want people knowing I feed my babes chocolate. They’ll judge me a lot less if I tell them my youngest wiped crap down my top. I then justify going out dressed like this by saying my kids wouldn’t let me change my top. You have to justify why you’re walking around with crap on your top. Saying they were hanging from you like monkeys in a tree, is the best reason you weren’t able to change.
Really, you just couldn’t be bothered. It’s more washing and you know it’s only chocolate, you might fancy that chocolate later.
How do you blame the children for your weight gain?
Before birthing them, I carried their tiny bodies inside me for 9 months (although it’s 40 weeks, to me, that’s 10 months). Their cravings throughout these months were cereal, enchiladas and Indian takeaways. How could I decline feeding my growing dots what they wanted, all day, every day.
It’s a year later and I haven’t lost the weight because I don’t have time. The best excuse I can give, which we all give at some point is ”I don’t have time, I’m being a mum”. Who wants to get up early to squeeze in a workout, when child two was awake all night slapping your forehead. Not me, that’s for sure.
I want to lose the weight, but I also want to eat nachos.
What’s your excuse when you’re late?
I have a selection to choose from:
- Child wouldn’t get dressed
- Child needed the toilet ten times before leaving
- Child wouldn’t go to the toilet before leaving
- Child filled their nappy
- Child refused to leave the house
- Child needed pink bunny, which was seen this morning but has now disappeared
- Car wouldn’t start (because it can’t always be their fault)
How do you get out of going to events?
Usually I say I can’t find a babysitter. That one is faultless.
Unless the children are invited too, then I will say the kids have been extremely naughty and we cannot attend. This isn’t always possible, so maybe an upfront ”they’re just not thrilled about this event”, or telling them they’re not of the right age for the event. If that doesn’t work ”oh, this Saturday, I didn’t realise you meant this Saturday. Petey has a party to go to”. Genius.
Never say they’re ill. You’re risking the chance of them actually becoming ill and you’ll only have yourself to blame.
This mum is shameless about blaming her children for everything. It’s so easy to do, haven’t you?
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