We now have the ‘Mummy Tummy’, a tummy which I can barely stand to look at some days. Don’t get me wrong I love that my mummy tummy grew the two little beings that I kiss and cuddle every night, but it’s empty now, clearly empty and it’s hanging. If you were to take a sausage and squeeze out the pork, draw on some red squiggly lines with a felt pen, the resemblance to my mummy tummy would be uncanny.
I have debates with Mr Firstooth over my stomach. It’ll start with ”you won’t leave me because it’s all stretched and a bit gross will you?” and it’ll end with ”how could you leave me?! you’re the co-creator of my wobbly bits!” There’s no in between, I turn into an irrational, kind of pregnant-looking, non-pregnant lady at the mention of my tyre.
”but you look great”
I will forever be grateful to this sagging bit of skin for housing my two wonderful children, but if ever I win the lottery, it’ll be known as ‘mummy’s tucked tummy’. Until then, this mummy’s tummy will forever be my frenemy.
Is mum thighs a thing too? Or maybe mum knees? I used to have knees, I’m sure I did
Mum butt. Mum bum. Mum ass. Call it what you like, but it means a bum that doubled in size during your pregnancy (why? I don’t know, I only ate takeaways seven days a week. Weird.) At least I can say my bums bigger than Kim K’s bum, and I need never ask ‘does my bum look big in this’. Yes. It looks big in everything.
I will work on reducing the size of my mum butt. Squatting, so that it too doesn’t sag with its nearby neighbour, mummy tummy. Walking, hopefully my mum thighs don’t rub together and chafe. It does make for good seat padding though.
The other night our toddler slept in our bed, toddlers sleep weirdly don’t they, normal in their bed but like a violent sprawled out gorilla in their parents. Weird. Anyway, he was sleeping sideways, with his feet pressed against his dads ribs and his head rested on my bum. Like a pillow. He should count his blessings that no curries were consumed that evening or half his head may have melted.
Mum tits. Eurgh. We’ll say ‘mum boobs’ instead, eventhough the other phrase seems more popular. (Not in this house. ‘Tit’ is only said when describing a silly person, even then I prefer ‘twit’).
My mum boobs droop. They’ve lost their elasticity to sit perk on my chest. If you look at my chest you’d wonder where the devil my boobs have gone, cast your eyes downwards (follow the stretchmarks) and you’ll notice they’re hanging a little above my belly button. Ah, mum boobs, thank God for sports bras or I don’t know what I’d do with you. Tie them in a knot and sling them over my shoulder maybe? Who knows.
Mum hair, it’s long, sure. But don’t look too close just in case my frazzled ends catch your eyes. And check out those tired mum bags. Mum bags doesn’t mean the Mulberry bag I’ve been desperate to purchase for years. I’ll never own a Mulberry bag, but under-eye bags come free with children
Mum hair. Yes, this is a thing. I have ‘mum hair’ everyday, unless the Queen is visiting, or we’re leaving the house – to see the Queen. Mum hair is hair scraped back into a bun, maybe sprayed with copious amounts of dry shampoo. Perhaps not washed in a few days, a little frazzled and occasionally a Cheerio can be found in amongst the mess. Peanut butter is always found in amongst the mess.
I don’t have time to ‘do’ my hair anymore (*stares longingly at the hair straighteners), I had a small phase where I managed to blow-dry my hair, then the toddler became too interested in the hair-dryer and the whole idea became a bit dangerous. I’ve not even had my long, crispy tresses cut since before baby two arrived. The only trim I get now is when my children rip out half my hair brush my hair, or I get a few spare minutes to pick at any split ends. That’s one of my favourite past-times, taking to split-ends with nail scissors, my nights are wild. So, ‘mum hair’ is the way forward. For mums. If you don’t have children then use your hair products now before they’re laid off, don’t try straightening your hair with toddlers, they’re attracted to things that will seriously harm them.
Have you obtained new ‘mum’ body parts since becoming a parent?
*Please note I used a filter on the second picture, the unfiltered version shows my my ‘mum spots’, blood-shot eyes, ‘mum chin’ and I’m sure there was some kind of crust on my shirt, you don’t want to see that do you?*
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