Disgusting Things All Parents Do

The sniff test

We can’t just accept that someone has definitely filled their nappy (and possibly baby-grow) by the questionable smell that instantly fills the room, we can’t also just get vaguely close to our child to find out which one it is (sometimes to discover both). Instead, we bury our faces in the bottoms of our children and inhale deeply, before dry-retching on the smell that makes our eyes water.

Nappy examination

The proof is in the poo. If a child is ill, it normally shows, somehow, in their nappy. A thorough examination of every excretion is the ‘done thing’ when we suspect our child is ill. Sometimes drafting in a second opinion from your partner if you’re unsure if that’s just an undigested raisin or something more serious.

Lick it clean

Whether it’s a bottle teat, a spoon or a dummy, as parents we feel our saliva is the best thing to clean these things after they’ve been dropped.

What sick stain?

The baby has just vomited on your shoulder but you’re already an hour late to, something. You deny all knowledge of such a stain and accept you will smell a little bit cheesy for the rest of the day.

Wipe your nose… on my top

I’ve given up wearing anything nice, usually. This is because my tops turn into tissues throughout the day. ”Do you have a snotty nose darling? Here, use my top”, I even use it for my own nose sometimes, Kleenex is expensive… Everything gets wiped either on my top or legs, food, snot, juice, spills, everything!

Snot sucker

I never thought I would see the day I’d be sucking snot out of my childs nose. Low and behold that day came. In desperate times we resort to desperate measures. It was either that or lay awake all night checking their breathing.

Thank him, for a bogey

When they first start picking their nose, it’s a hilarious event ”look, he’s picking his nose” you will find yourself shouting. Until he hands you the huge wet bogey, not so funny now, is it. But you accept it (and wipe it on your leg, where else?)

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Toenails

Not only will you help your toddler pick their toenails, but you will also chew off their excessively long toenails. Scissors are the devil according to our toddler, sometimes they are the best thing in the world and he wants them, he wants them now! I would never chew my own toenails, that would be disgusting.

What’s in the bath?

I don’t think we are the only family who’s children have shit in the bath. That stuff won’t just go down the plughole will it. So, we have to evacuate all children, fish it out and re-place children into the bath for a re-wash.

My Random Musings
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13 Comments

  1. August 22, 2015 / 8:56 pm

    I’d like to add that getting peed on no longer phases me. Lol. I’m pretty sure my premotherhood self would be appalled at my non-chalant attitude towards the urine that frequently graces my clothing.

    • August 23, 2015 / 6:56 pm

      Yes! I forgot that one… I will add soon thank you for reminding me! Also pee on the carpet doesn’t seem like a big deal. It’s just baby pee after all…

      • August 23, 2015 / 6:58 pm

        I mean, jut clean it with a baby wipe. What’s the big deal?

  2. Jen
    August 22, 2015 / 9:06 pm

    Love this list! So true!

  3. August 22, 2015 / 9:27 pm

    Haha, brilliant! Why do we have to stick our nose right by their bums?! I’m always wiping my toddler’s nose on my top, so much easier than a tissue. For me the most disgusting thing has to be dealing with my toddler spitting out very soggy, chewed up food, especially bread (boak).

    • August 23, 2015 / 6:52 pm

      We caught chewed up sandwich and mushed banana today, then thought where on earth do we put this?? Half was wiped down my dress and the other half down my partners back… not really I folded it up in a wipe. The things we do!

  4. August 23, 2015 / 12:15 am

    I find myself eating Paxs food, not just leftovers but like “oh you have a half-eaten, soggy cracker on your cheek, il get that.” & instead of wiping it on said pants, i lick it off my finger. Parents are gross haha

    • August 23, 2015 / 6:50 pm

      That’s a much cleaner way of cleaning your child! No mess on clothing!

  5. min1980
    August 23, 2015 / 9:01 am

    Don’t forget that old chestnut licking a finger and using it to clean their little face. My mum used to do that to us and I swore I would never put my own children through it, and yet….

    • August 23, 2015 / 6:49 pm

      Especially when it’s peanut butter on their face!!

  6. min1980
    August 23, 2015 / 9:04 am

    Don’t forget that old chestnut licking a finger and using it to clean their faces. I swore I would never do that to my own child, and yet…

  7. August 10, 2016 / 9:07 am

    That last one; this is where a shower head is a saviour. I fish the shit out, drain the bath and then hose the kids down with the shower head. Which they seem to think is fun…

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