Last week we attended the Christening of our great friends’ son. We were excited to go and share their special day with them. But another friend of mine reminded me that we’re taking two toddlers into a Church and will be praying to him above that they behave. No wet protests, no shouting, no running, no farting, no telling people you’ve farted. We just needed them to sit quiet and still for 45 minutes, max.
It didn’t start well because we were an hour early for the service. Gatecrashing the previous service.
“She said 11”
“She obviously didn’t say 11, because it is 11 and nobody is here. I think they’d know the time of their own sons Christening”
*5 minutes of silence*
“She said 11”
So we had an hour to kill and ended up driving slowly around the area. To anyone on the outside it would have looked like we were casing houses ready for an impending robbery. We’re actually just really nosey and this particular village was a sweet one, filled with chocolate box cottages and mansion style homes.
During this time my daughter managed to ladder my tights twice and wipe her nose on my top. So I pulled my hair out of it’s bun and tried hiding the snot. Nothing I could do about my tights, having to look scruffy was the only option.
Once everyone arrived the kids headed straight for the toy section while I cooed over the baby. I’d been trying to get my friend to dish the details on his Christening outfit every time I saw her and she kept tight-lipped. He looked so adorable, a beige waist-coat and trouser with a white shirt situation. Seriously cute, our third child is looking more and more likely each time Mr Firstooth is faced with this suited up baby. But not yet, I have at least ten years convincing before he agrees to it.
At this point everyones children were content playing in the toys section and then we all dragged them away, literally kicking and screaming, for their sweet little butt cheeks to be sat on a seat to watch the service. I could see my daughters head keep turning to see the toys, each time I subtly moved her face back round.
She started growling, this is a sign that she’s about to scream, not in anger but from excitement. Each time I heard the growl I promptly shushed the shrieking child and did my best to retrace where we were on the hymn sheet.
Then, sitting wasn’t what she fancied doing right now, she wanted to stand on the seat. We were at the back so usually I’d let this happen for the sake of silence, but we had another Vicar sitting directly behind us whispering away to her. I felt like God would be judging me if I didn’t at least try to control my child. The thing is, she’s only 1, you can’t reason with this age, they’re a law unto themselves.
Our son sat perfectly, the entire time he was so well behaved, never lets me down this one! His sister on the other hand had me wishing someone elses child would start doing toddler things. Disruptive things, knock over a candle on a curtain, hide in the Vicars gown, anything.
My wish was answered.
My friends’ daughter knocked the candle over, not on the curtain, but on to the Vicars gown. The Vicar himself caught fire. I started a really slow clap and hoped someone else would join in. Nobody did.
I’m just kidding, but the silence became too much for my friends’ toddler, the sister of the baby being Christened, as she kept announcing to the Vicar “he’s here. HE’S HERE” about her baby brother. It almost turned in to a song “he’s heeereeee, he’s here” as the Vicar continued the service in a higher tone, not sure whether to pause.
We watched the christening of Baby Boy at the back of the hall, unfortunately I missed most of it because my toddler terrorist kept trying to climb up the stand where donations are placed. Unfortunately, no money in there yet. I didn’t miss how well-behaved this teeny baby was, he was fascinated with the Vicar and had a completely placid expression the entire time. Come on Mr F, just one more…
After his blessing we all had to return to our seats, dragging the kids away from the toys once more. The older children stayed at the back quite happy playing with the toys, I thought “Thank him above that they’re allowed to play up here, I can leave my small one to play with them” then I thought better of it, just in case she decides to swing from the pulpit. Because she would decide that.
She ended up touching one of the other guests on their back and staring intently at them each time they turned round. I’m not sure if she’s incredibly strange or just has a cracking sense of humour.
It was time for pictures and the kids were running crazy, doing the cha cha slide as they skidded from one end of the church to the other and needed serious persuasion to pose for photos.
The kids were eventually set free in our friends’ home to play with as many toys as they could, meaning you couldn’t see the floor through the toys they’d pulled out to play with for 3 seconds. We could all relax, chat and coo over Baby Boy in his sweet little suit. Again, Mr F, I’m game if you are…
If you’re attending a Christening with your toddler terrorists, I would advise you to bring snacks and your own toys to distract them for the duration. We appreciate the sentiment of a Christening as adults but children dance to their own tune, distractions is a must.
Although I was the unofficial photographer of the day, I didn’t take any pictures for our memory bank. So instead here’s a photo of the kids enjoying themselves…
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