Are you a mum to a toddler terrorist?
Are you currently in possession of a baby beast and are wanting to know what’s next?
Were you once a toddler mum and want to remember those blissful days?
If you answered yes to any of the above then this list is for you!
The first sign is those untended to man hands, holding a crisp glass of wine. You need it. Life is rough.
What makes you a mum to a toddler…
- You say your childs name over 100 times a day in a breathy, irritable voice. Their name falls on deaf ears, unless it accompanies the name of their favourite sweet treat.
- Mealtimes are never enjoyable. Even a baby beast mother knows what goes down during dinner.
- When you switch your babe from cot to bed, you laugh and claim you “can’t wait for my him to climb out and appear at our bedside. It’ll be hilarious”. Until it happens, unexpectedly. At 5am.
- Your child is attracted to danger. Not ‘playing in traffic’ danger, but cleaning cupboards, climbing chairs to open the cutlery drawer, diving face first into a paddling pool an inch deep. They seriously have no sense of ‘this might hurt’.
- By midday you’re counting down the hours until it’s socially acceptable to drink wine. It’s 5pm somewhere right?
- No matter how many times you say “you’ll hurt yourself”, they don’t care. They laugh in the face of danger and will do it anyway. But remember, it’s all your fault when they do hurt themselves.
- They’ll do the above again.
- And again.
- They never learn.
- “Come here” means “run away”
- “Don’t do that” means “do it” while they stare at you dead in the eye
- The hours between 4pm sees each child experience every emotion possible. Drink up mum, they go batsh*t crazy every day. Every. Single. Day.
- You’re forever buying ‘sets’ of toys and the second you walk inside your home after buying said toys for your toddler terrorists, a piece goes missing. How is it even possible? Your home is filled with incomplete sets. This drives you a little crazy.
- One toy gets broken on a daily basis. Then you start the debate about how “this wasn’t free” and “you need to look after your toys”, but they’re not listening anyway.
- All those things you swore you wouldn’t do as a parent, you do. Regularly. Bribe, shout, ignore, let them watch tv, allow chocolate beyond your front door, co-sleep, let a chip pass their pouty little lips. ‘As long as they’re loved’ is what means more to you. Peace means just as much.
- Your sweet baby will declare they don’t need a wee before you leave. You’ll ask no less than a hundred times, just to be sure. 5 minutes into your journey, you’d think their bladder was about to burst.
- You sit your child down in front of the TV to distract them while you hang out the washing and throw some bleach down the toilet. Only, when you start pegging out your laundry, that very same child is at your feet. They don’t want to watch Thomas the Tank Engine, unless you watch it with them. Lucky you.
- Empty threats are your favourite parenting weapon.
- Picture the scene, a tidy room, doors and drawers closed, carpets are clean, children playing nicely. Turn your head, count to five and look back. Sh*t everywhere. The kids are naked setting fire to the curtains, crumbs buried deep into the carpet, toys and clothes covering every surface, pictures of circles on the wall (because Toddler 1 has been practicing his circle drawing this week).
- You’re forever finding letters dated a few weeks previous, half chewed, torn and hidden at the bottom of the toybox. It’s just a bill. Who cares.
- You’ve memorized every sentence from each one of your toddlers’ favourite shows. The creators of these shows see only a handful of episodes fit for viewing. Deep down inside your soul, you’re wishing that the words ‘New Series’ shows next to the programme. You don’t want to watch it, but if you have to be subjected to mind-numbing amounts during mealtimes, you at least want to see something other than Norman Price releasing the Chinese Lantern into the forest. Again.
- You’re exhausted all day, sometimes struggling to keep your eyelids open while playing Jedi-Knights and pretending to be a horse. Yet when your children are tucked up safely into their beds, you come alive.
- While your toddler is in full blown meltdown mode, you wonder ‘when did this become your life’. You’ve never known anything that tests your patience more than the children you birthed.
- You’re confused as to why your toddler terrorist asks for something at the top of their lungs, then once you give it to them, they don’t want it. You seethe a little when it’s a meal they’ve asked for.
- Dirt is your nemesis yet your childs’ reason to wake up in the morning. You don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own home for your sweet little babe to tarnish just a small patch of their outfit.
- The toilet brush will at some point become acquainted with your toddler, much to your horror.
- You suddenly realise the violence seen in NCIS is childs play compared to a toddler who’s just realized he wants the toy his sister is playing with.
- You’re not even embarrassed when your toddler protests on the floor in public.
- The thought of eating in a restaurant makes you shudder.
- You’re always wrong. As you drive past a bus, the toddler in the back will inform you, it’s not a bus, it’s just a big car. You don’t even bother explaining.
- You’re immune to crying, once you hear them cry you switch to auto-pilot mode and parent at your best. Whingeing and whining however will make you mutter “I hate kids, I just hate them” while shrugging and pretending to ignore them. Especially when they’re whinging because the head of the daffodil just fell onto the patio, what can you do with that?
- You feel pathetic when you’re excited about your child discovering a new favourite cartoon. It’s new scripts for you to learn.
- You could run a marathon and your legs wouldn’t ache as much as your ears do after listening to your toddler whine for an entire day.
- Sometimes giving in is easier. Sure, you’re all for sticking to your guns, but when you’re in Sainsburys and your boy is screwing up that sweet little face in preparation for a tantrum, giving in is best for everyone.
- You’re no longer up to date with the latest music. Instead you sing the theme tune to Mickey Mouse and whistle along to everybodys favourite pig, Peppa. Your car radio no longer spouts tunes that you actually enjoy, you have to make do with that Disney CD that slowly drives you insane after each second.
- During potty training your defiant toddler will crap in a sitting position, next to the potty.
- They won’t remember what they had for breakfast, but they will remember that you said ‘sh*t’ in front of them three days ago, and will repeat this in front of your in-laws.
- You lie, all the time. Santa is watching, the Easter Bunny is on the phone, we’ve run out of chocolate, the TV is broken, when it rains the beach disappears, we can’t buy that toy because it already belongs to someone.
- They lie, all the time. They tell people they went to the moon today, that they will eat their dinner and yell “mummy drinks that” as you walk down the liquor aisle, because they think it’s juice. Mummys special juice.
- Electrical goods are much more exciting than the large expensive train-set you bought them. Especially when they’re able to damage it.
- It really is the end of the world if you go somewhere and their favourite teddy isn’t with them.
- Playdates should be renamed to fightdates.
- Your voice grows as they grow. Shouty mum is real, and she means business.
- You wonder regularly if you’re up to the job. Is this what you pictured parenting being, as you watch your eldest scratch his bum with a carrot stick.
All things considered, we’ll keep them.
Always remember, never underestimate a toddler, they mean business and are sneakier than we could ever imagine.
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