I have a love/hate relationship with our baby monitors. I love that I can hear their little snores and breaths (also that I can yell at them from our end – really freaks them out). I hate that it
alerts me when our children are waking up, either waking me up or reminding me that I’ve not even slept yet. I’m just laying there, like a fool.
My thought process:
Was that the baby monitor? It can’t be. It’s the neighbours. I know, it’s 1am but maybe they worked late or went for drinks, whatever, it’s the neighbours.
Where is the monitor? Did I leave it downstairs? Why’ve I left it in the bathroom? Why so many questions at 1am? I wonder where next door went tonight?
They can’t have been working because they work during the day and only in term-time. I know this because I’m a stay at home mum.
Don’t judge me, I know you keep a close eye on your neighbours too. How else would you know Fred next door is a cross-dresser? He’s Fred to you, but indoors he’s Angelina.
I hear that noise on the monitor again, it sounds a bit whiney this time. Maybe the neighbours door needs a squirt WD40 on the hinges, that’ll stop the squeaking. Come on guys, we’ve got babies that need sleep and parents that haven’t slept in years.
It’s stopped, now I just need to roll over violently so he stops snoring.
That sounds like a baby crying this time. Maybe there’s a fox outside the babys’ window, they make crying sounds don’t they? Or is it the sound of a woman screaming? Who cares, it can’t be our baby, we’ve literally just settled her back to sleep.
Oh bollocks it is our baby. Maybe if I pretend I’m asleep he’ll go to her.
He’s not going to her, he’s such an asshole. I’m turning every single light on in the bedroom, to remind him that I’m awake, the baby’s awake, but he’s asleep… Or was asleep.
Wait, is that, silence?
I can’t hear the crying anymore, she must have ‘self-settled’ all those self-settling lessons we’ve been having must be paying off.
Battery’s gone flat in the monitor. Does it still count if she’s crying but I can’t hear her?
Ffs, it does doesn’t it.
I’ll just pop the monitor on charge, lay it on his pillow and yank up the volume.
”Oh, is she? I thought it was next door” (*eye roll)
Now we’re at a stand off. Laying rigid, watching the volume lights fill our room with a blue tint.
This isn’t the monitor in question. This is the other monitor that wakes once, maybe twice a week. Sometimes this monitor is ignored when it wakes up and sometimes it sleeps in our bed. This monitor was easily photographed, while the other was too tired to keep its light on.
I never blame the baby for being awake. I blame the monitor (That’s a lie, the baby needs to take some responsibility in this). When that monitor wakes up and starts flashing it means I have to drag myself out of bed, elbow him in the ribs on the way out, feed the baby milk and know that the monitor will wake up again in a few hours and possibly not even go back to sleep. Marvellous.
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