As parents we’ve made the cardinal sin which is bed-sharing. This isn’t a regular thing, I say it’s not regular, like it’s once a week. It’s not once a week. It’s every night. By regular I mean we’re not always joined by the same child. It’s something our bed invaders discuss amongst themselves, who’s turn is it in mum and dads bed tonight. I am convinced they plan their nights in our beds because they’re never in our bed at once and, the rota seems to be two nights Mr M is with us, then the following two nights Miss M is with us.
Sounds a bit suspicious doesn’t it?
The night starts with them in their beds. Tightly zipped into a sleeping bag or tucked under their quilt, snuggled next to their favourite teddy. The night always starts with us thinking ‘could tonight be the night’, the night the baby sleeps through or the night nobody fancies a late-night bed-swap. It’s enough sharing the bed with Mr Firstooth who snores and is toxic after an indian dinner. Then there’s the cat, she sleeps on my feet, my back or in the middle of the bed. Or, if we manage to sleep without a cat invader, she’ll attack our feet the moment we roll over. She’s lucky she’s a fast runner or I’m pretty sure she’d have been hoisted out the window by now.
So I said this is a cardinal sin, to share your bed with your child. It’s frowned upon amongst so many parents, probably because their little darlings slept through at 1 week old, so they have no idea the suffering us bed-sharers go through. (I say suffering very lightly, because bed-sharing is the answer for us when the babes won’t settle) The other people who frown upon bringing our angels into the bed, are those with no children. You’ll find once you’re a parent, the
funniest best advice will come from someone with no children. Because they know. But the thing is, I was that ridiculous childless person declaring ‘I’ll never share my bed with my children, that’s for hippies and clingy people’. Yet here we are.
You know you did that too, maybe not about bed-sharing but every parent declares that they ‘won’t do this’ and then does it almost instantly once their baby is born. But if anyone ever questions you on your change of heart, you deny all knowledge.
Some nights I really enjoy snuggling into them, sniffing their hair and enjoying how comfortable they find it with me. Some nights I have no patience for this. It’s hit and miss.
An annoying trait that both of our bed invaders share is wriggling, this sounds normal I hear you thinking. Yes, wriggling is normal, you wriggle in bed, I wriggle in bed, our husbands wriggle in bed. But the difference is, we don’t get angry at our wrigglation. Our kids get angry, they make that noise, that noise they make on the build up to a tantrum, like a screech but through their teeth, you know the one. It’s a horrid noise. This is normally the point I ditch them back into their beds. Howling and wriggling a full-circle on the bed, isn’t helping anyone sleep. They won’t do this in their own beds though. Funny that.
A cute but awkwardly uncomfortable thing Miss M does when she invades our bed is cuddle. Sounds cute doesn’t it? And it is cute. But she needs to cuddle hard. She wraps her tiny little arms around my neck, so tight it’s no different to a choke hold. She has to cuddle me at a specific angle too, not on my side, but not on my back. I have to lay propped up at a 45° angle. Along with this and having all the stars in alignment, she’ll be content. She may fall asleep. Or she may just lay there, staring at me. Creepy.
Then there’s Mr M, our toddler, who likes to play a game called ‘my bed, your bed’. Many parents of a bed invader will know this game. The one where your little darling will invade your bed, then ask to be taken back to their bed. You’ll be thinking you’ll get some sleep now. But you won’t. Because your little monster then asks to go back into your bed, then starts the game of ‘my bed, your bed’. This could go on for hours and I’m guessing you don’t want to play? So once you land on ‘my bed’ you’ll need to pretend you can’t hear the call for ‘your bed’.
Another thing our eldest does, when he invades, is ask questions. Lots of questions. Stupid questions that doesn’t need to be asked at 1.11am.
”what’s what? The wall?”
”no, not the wall, it’s a flower”
In this conversation there was no pointing towards the flower, just a blank stare at the wall, with the flower on. Was this a trick question? Something he does quite often is ask a question, dismiss my answer and then answer his question himself. Weird.
Some more questions he needs answering at around 1.17am:
”What’s that noise?”
(there is no noise)
”Mummy, where’s your willy?”
(I’m wondering when my bed will swallow me up, the inside of my bed sounds nice, peaceful, cosy, toddler free and maybe I could sleep without discussing biology with my bed invader)
”Can I wake Mia up?”
(That’s a brave question from someone who’s just woken me up)
(You can’t see daddy because he’s hiding under the blanket, asleep. If you weren’t in the bed dividing us from physical contact, he’d have received a sharp elbow in the ribs by now)
Well, since we’re both awake, I have some questions for you, my sweet little bed invader;
– Why do you share toys with every child in the world, other than your sister? She would give you the nappy off her butt if you wanted it. She’s even done this once when you didn’t want it. Be grateful, she always gives me the smelly ones.
– When you ask for an apple, why do you only take one bite and then ask for another? We don’t have an orchard in the garden, these apples aren’t free. Your apple eating habits need to change, it looks weird when every apple in the fruit bowl has a bite missing. As we’re talking about food, why do you ask for meals, but then not eat it? I don’t need to ask you this now do I? I ask you this every mealtime. For goodness sake son, you asked for tuna, pasta and ‘cumber’ and then tell me it’s ‘yucky’ and ask for ice cream. This has got to stop. I tell myself this each time I give in. I need to be strong. You need to eat your freakin’ dinner.
– Why do you hate baths, unless you’re in one? Then you hate the thought of leaving the bath… Your logic dumbfounds me.
– You know when you’re being naughty, don’t you. Because you’ve taken to disciplining yourself ”Masey, naughty, masey not allowed to climb table”, so why do you do it? You’ll even take yourself off to a quiet corner for time-out. It’s impressive, but again, this toddler logic leaves me speechless. Literally speechless because I don’t need to discipline you, you do it yourself.
– Why do you love being naked so much, but complain that ”Masey’s cold”? Put those little butt cheeks in pants and pop your jeans on. Like normal people.
– What is it about the hours between 4pm and 7pm that turns you psychotic? This could be half an hour of a tantrum or three full hours bombing around the house, until your head looks like it’s about to explode from craziness. This may be fun for you. But it’s confusing for me. Those three hours are spent parenting with caution.
– Do you enjoy helping me tidy? I know you do. So, is that why you empty every drawer, toybox and cupboard right after the last toy has been put away. Starting the tidy-up process again. And, where are all the pieces to all of your playsets? Where do they go? Those missing pieces must disappear to a land far away. I bet it’s quiet there.
– Last but not least, why are you awake?
Questions that will never get answered.
I enjoy reading and replying to all of your comments, they really make me smile and many make me laugh! If you enjoyed reading then throw a comment in the box below or use the share buttons for your buddies to read, maybe you’ll make their day…
Don’t forget you can subscribe too. It’s FREE and you’ll receive one e-mail a week with all the latest shenanigans. You won’t regret it, you’ll just be extremely happy you did…
This post has been shared on: