We Have Bed Invaders And They Have Questions

As parents we’ve made the cardinal sin which is bed-sharing. This isn’t a regular thing, I say it’s not regular, like it’s once a week. It’s not once a week. It’s every night. By regular I mean we’re not always joined by the same child. It’s something our bed invaders discuss amongst themselves, who’s turn is it in mum and dads bed tonight. I am convinced they plan their nights in our beds because they’re never in our bed at once and, the rota seems to be two nights Mr M is with us, then the following two nights Miss M is with us.

Sounds a bit suspicious doesn’t it?

The night starts with them in their beds. Tightly zipped into a sleeping bag or tucked under their quilt, snuggled next to their favourite teddy. The night always starts with us thinking ‘could tonight be the night’, the night the baby sleeps through or the night nobody fancies a late-night bed-swap. It’s enough sharing the bed with Mr Firstooth who snores and is toxic after an indian dinner. Then there’s the cat, she sleeps on my feet, my back or in the middle of the bed. Or, if we manage to sleep without a cat invader, she’ll attack our feet the moment we roll over. She’s lucky she’s a fast runner or I’m pretty sure she’d have been hoisted out the window by now.

So I said this is a cardinal sin, to share your bed with your child. It’s frowned upon amongst so many parents, probably because their little darlings slept through at 1 week old, so they have no idea the suffering us bed-sharers go through. (I say suffering very lightly, because bed-sharing is the answer for us when the babes won’t settle) The other people who frown upon bringing our angels into the bed, are those with no children. You’ll find once you’re a parent, the funniest best advice will come from someone with no children. Because they know. But the thing is, I was that ridiculous childless person declaring ‘I’ll never share my bed with my children, that’s for hippies and clingy people’. Yet here we are.

You know you did that too, maybe not about bed-sharing but every parent declares that they ‘won’t do this’ and then does it almost instantly once their baby is born. But if anyone ever questions you on your change of heart, you deny all knowledge.

Some nights I really enjoy snuggling into them, sniffing their hair and enjoying how comfortable they find it with me. Some nights I have no patience for this. It’s hit and miss.

An annoying trait that both of our bed invaders share is wriggling, this sounds normal I hear you thinking. Yes, wriggling is normal, you wriggle in bed, I wriggle in bed, our husbands wriggle in bed. But the difference is, we don’t get angry at our wrigglation. Our kids get angry, they make that noise, that noise they make on the build up to a tantrum, like a screech but through their teeth, you know the one. It’s a horrid noise. This is normally the point I ditch them back into their beds. Howling and wriggling a full-circle on the bed, isn’t helping anyone sleep. They won’t do this in their own beds though. Funny that.

A cute but awkwardly uncomfortable thing Miss M does when she invades our bed is cuddle. Sounds cute doesn’t it? And it is cute. But she needs to cuddle hard. She wraps her tiny little arms around my neck, so tight it’s no different to a choke hold. She has to cuddle me at a specific angle too, not on my side, but not on my back. I have to lay propped up at a 45° angle. Along with this and having all the stars in alignment, she’ll be content. She may fall asleep. Or she may just lay there, staring at me. Creepy.

Then there’s Mr M, our toddler, who likes to play a game called ‘my bed, your bed’. Many parents of a bed invader will know this game. The one where your little darling will invade your bed, then ask to be taken back to their bed. You’ll be thinking you’ll get some sleep now. But you won’t. Because your little monster then asks to go back into your bed, then starts the game of ‘my bed, your bed’. This could go on for hours and I’m guessing you don’t want to play? So once you land on ‘my bed’ you’ll need to pretend you can’t hear the call for ‘your bed’.

Another thing our eldest does, when he invades, is ask questions. Lots of questions. Stupid questions that doesn’t need to be asked at 1.11am.

”what’s that?”

”what’s what?”



”what’s that?”

”what’s what? The wall?”

”no, not the wall, it’s a flower”


In this conversation there was no pointing towards the flower, just a blank stare at the wall, with the flower on. Was this a trick question? Something he does quite often is ask a question, dismiss my answer and then answer his question himself. Weird.

Some more questions he needs answering at around 1.17am:

”What’s that noise?”

(there is no noise)

”Mummy, where’s your willy?”

(I’m wondering when my bed will swallow me up, the inside of my bed sounds nice, peaceful, cosy, toddler free and maybe I could sleep without discussing biology with my bed invader)

”Can I wake Mia up?”

(That’s a brave question from someone who’s just woken me up)

”Where’s daddy?”

(You can’t see daddy because he’s hiding under the blanket, asleep. If you weren’t in the bed dividing us from physical contact, he’d have received a sharp elbow in the ribs by now)

Well, since we’re both awake, I have some questions for you, my sweet little bed invader;

– Why do you share toys with every child in the world, other than your sister? She would give you the nappy off her butt if you wanted it. She’s even done this once when you didn’t want it. Be grateful, she always gives me the smelly ones.

– When you ask for an apple, why do you only take one bite and then ask for another? We don’t have an orchard in the garden, these apples aren’t free. Your apple eating habits need to change, it looks weird when every apple in the fruit bowl has a bite missing. As we’re talking about food, why do you ask for meals, but then not eat it? I don’t need to ask you this now do I? I ask you this every mealtime. For goodness sake son, you asked for tuna, pasta and ‘cumber’ and then tell me it’s ‘yucky’ and ask for ice cream. This has got to stop. I tell myself this each time I give in. I need to be strong. You need to eat your freakin’ dinner.

– Why do you hate baths, unless you’re in one? Then you hate the thought of leaving the bath… Your logic dumbfounds me.

– You know when you’re being naughty, don’t you. Because you’ve taken to disciplining yourself ”Masey, naughty, masey not allowed to climb table”, so why do you do it? You’ll even take yourself off to a quiet corner for time-out. It’s impressive, but again, this toddler logic leaves me speechless. Literally speechless because I don’t need to discipline you, you do it yourself.

– Why do you love being naked so much, but complain that ”Masey’s cold”? Put those little butt cheeks in pants and pop your jeans on. Like normal people.

– What is it about the hours between 4pm and 7pm that turns you psychotic? This could be half an hour of a tantrum or three full hours bombing around the house, until your head looks like it’s about to explode from craziness. This may be fun for you. But it’s confusing for me. Those three hours are spent parenting with caution.

– Do you enjoy helping me tidy? I know you do. So, is that why you empty every drawer, toybox and cupboard right after the last toy has been put away. Starting the tidy-up process again. And, where are all the pieces to all of your playsets? Where do they go? Those missing pieces must disappear to a land far away. I bet it’s quiet there.

– Last but not least, why are you awake?

Questions that will never get answered.


 I enjoy reading and replying to all of your comments, they really make me smile and many make me laugh! If you enjoyed reading then throw a comment in the box below or use the share buttons for your buddies to read, maybe you’ll make their day…

Don’t forget you can subscribe too. It’s FREE and you’ll receive one e-mail a week with all the latest shenanigans. You won’t regret it, you’ll just be extremely happy you did…

This post has been shared on:

The Baby Formula
Twinkly Tuesday
Best and Worst
Blogger Club UK
Cool Mum Club
Brilliant Blog Posts
The List
Effit Friday
Friday Frolics

Share this post:


  1. January 26, 2016 / 7:58 am

    We have regular bed invaders!!! Totally empathise with this! Our bed invaders are 6 years old and nearly 4 years old – the 6 year old is an infrequent visitor but the almost 4 year old appears between us every night – we know we should break the habit, but we like our sleep!!! Haha!!! The joys of parenthood eh!?! Great post!!! Xxx

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:10 pm

      No way! 6 years old?! Well, you’ve survived, so that gives me hope! I think bed-sharing is definitely the easier option. It won’t be forever, it’d be embarrassing if they were in their teens and still appearing in our bed. So we have at least ten years of bed invading left… Thanks so much for reading! xx

  2. January 26, 2016 / 7:59 am

    I remember all those funny conversations in bed so well, now as teens they think it is disgusting to even see us sitting in bed! enjoy this stage and don’t worry about them being in your bed, you’ll miss it when they no longer want to come in! #TwinklyTuesday

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:11 pm

      That made me laugh! I do love a late night snuggle, last night wasn’t fun though. My hubby slept on the floor and I slept with a butt in my face

  3. January 26, 2016 / 8:26 am

    haha! That made me laugh. I cannot cope with questions in the night – I’m so grumpy with no sleep!

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:13 pm

      Me too!! Thanks so much for reading!

  4. January 26, 2016 / 9:24 am

    Love this! I also resorted to bed sharing with my daughter during rough patches, but she’s only 7 1/2 months so she can’t ask annoying questions…yet. #TheBabyFormula

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:15 pm

      She will, she will… Bed sharing is the best option for those of us that need our sleep! I do miss sharing with a baby though, they’re easily lulled back to sleep

  5. January 26, 2016 / 12:20 pm

    My bed invader is definitely an invader in the Roman sense, rather than the Viking sense, meaning that rather than just invading from time to time and then returning to his own bed before coming back sporadically, he invaded, set up his own empire, and never left. I reckon it might actually be a good 300 years or so before he finally quits and calls it a day. To be fair though, I do like having him in there. It’s easier for breastfeeding, means I never have to get up and I am a single parent so there’s plenty of room. If I’m a hippy then so be it! #thebabyformula

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:16 pm

      Love your comment!!! Sleeping alone is overrated, I like the hippy way of life, it’s seems simpler 😉

  6. January 26, 2016 / 4:46 pm

    Ha I seem to have a little bed invader too. Not yet asking questions (thankfully) but we live the 4-7pm crazy hours haha #twinklytuesday

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:17 pm

      It’s a weird time of day that sends children insane isn’t it

  7. January 26, 2016 / 9:22 pm

    We’ve only just got Little B out of our bed after 14 months so I can relate to this! #TheBabyFormula

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:18 pm

      We should attempt to leave them in their beds, but I’m so tired, I don’t know what’s going on at night. Sometimes I don’t even know which child it is

  8. January 27, 2016 / 7:00 am

    I can imagine the scene, and I definitely think you should try launching into a questioning session with your bed invaders at 3am. These are after all very valid questions and deserve to be answered. Might just have them scampering back to their own beds haha. Wishing you a good night’s sleep.

    Dawn x

    • firstooth
      January 31, 2016 / 9:20 pm

      The best way to get our son out of our bed, is to have his sister join us. He will refuse to go back to his bed until he hears his sister say ”heyyoow” in his ear, then he’s gone!

  9. January 27, 2016 / 9:55 am

    Yep, I sometimes have a little bed invader too. I enjoy the hugs but not the big unanswerable questions when I am trying to sleep! #bloggersclubuk

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:09 pm

      Me too!

  10. January 27, 2016 / 11:40 am

    Luckily my bed invader can’t talk yet, but he has an annoying habit of sticking his hand down my top and grabbing my boob over and over – I get that it’s a comfort thing but it’s really annoying and hurts quite a bit! #bloggerclubuk

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:11 pm

      Oh gosh! I’d mistake it for my partner and give him a slap (my partner not my son) Whatever keeps them silent though right!

  11. January 27, 2016 / 4:43 pm

    Phew I bet you are tired! We only tend to get this when the grem is unwell which is lucky really. Other times shes tends to sleep through! I love the list of questions for your little man!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and hope the bedsharing doesn’t last forever!! x

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:11 pm

      I hope so too! Thanks for hosting xx

  12. January 27, 2016 / 9:01 pm

    We’ve got a bed invader at the moment, we’re trying to bribe her to stay in her own bed otherwise she may be in ours forever more I fear! #bestandworst

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:12 pm

      Would it be frowned upon to use biscuit bribery at 2am??… x

  13. January 27, 2016 / 9:10 pm

    Mummy whwres your willy, that is a clasic toddler boy question.
    I am one of thosee lucky parents who never really had bed invaders unless one or other of them were ill. #Bestandworst

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:13 pm

      The questions will only get worse as his curiosity grows… Yes, we occasionally get lucky too, but mostly we’re joined by a baby beast

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:13 pm

      Thank you!!

  14. Sarah | Life of a Digital Mum
    January 28, 2016 / 8:58 pm

    Oh god, I like my sleep too much to allow anyone to ruin it! We were very strict from the start on bed sharing and luckily my daughter plays ball. Well, apart from when she wants to come in at stupid o’clock on weekends!

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:16 pm

      Weekends are for lay-ins, oh hang on, not when we have kids… We used to be strict but we’ve caved, all kids seem to enjoy creeping into their parents beds x

  15. January 29, 2016 / 8:50 am

    Love it. You’re right, it sounds like they have this all planned! What is it with after 4pm. I should just record myself repeatedly saying “be careful” and “put your brother down” and play it every night for two hours whist I sit in the corner rocking. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:20 pm

      They’re such crazy little people! Thanks for hosting

  16. January 29, 2016 / 2:32 pm

    haha such a funny post. weve have experienced this many a time lol 😛 as im sure most parents have.

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:21 pm

      Thank you! And thanks for reading!

  17. Nat Halfpenny
    January 29, 2016 / 9:14 pm

    So funny!
    I have bed invaders of different shapes and sizes every night! I’d like to ask them a few questions and get an honest answer too!

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:22 pm

      We will never get an honest answer, by the time they’re ready to give that, the thought of sharing a bed with us would be disgusting… lol! Thanks for reading!

  18. January 29, 2016 / 9:27 pm

    Oh wow, we have all this still to come, and right now I’m thankful Baby H is in a cot! I love those conversations you have, they’re brilliant and so ‘toddler, little person-ish’ I really look forward to those funny conversations, but not the whole bedsharing thing. It’s bad enough just with hubby shuffling over and me getting closer and closer to the edge!!

    Thanks for sharing and hope you can next week #TheBabyFormula

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:24 pm

      We for sure need a bigger bed! You have lots to look forward too, I hope you have some bed-sharing stories. It won’t be every night!

  19. itsgoodtobecrazysometimes
    January 31, 2016 / 7:21 pm

    Am I allowed to be smug and say thus far we have not had a bed invader. That is not to say we won’t, he is only 3 so there is time. He is however a get up at 5.30am and be wide awake and not wanting to go back to bed

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:27 pm

      You can be smug today because we didn’t have a bed invader last night, hooray! Swings and roundabouts isn’t it, if it’s not a midnight rave, it’s an early start

  20. February 1, 2016 / 11:23 am

    lol it’s so true – the best advice comes from childless people lol they have no idea! Waking up at night is the worst. It’s even worse when they are so awake that they keep asking questions like that. If they just curl up & go back to sleep with you it’s not so bad. 🙂 #effitfrirday

    • firstooth
      February 5, 2016 / 8:29 pm

      I’m not bothered when they sleep, they’re sweet when they’re sleeping. But these questions and the whingeing is exhausting!

  21. February 1, 2016 / 8:19 pm

    I love this! Great list of questions, I don’t suppose you’ll ever get an answer but it would be good if you did. The logic of toddlers is something only they understand I think 🙂
    Thanks for linking up to #effitfriday

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *