You know when you feel like you’ve nailed motherhood? You’ve had a string of good days and you think ‘NAILED IT’ then out of nowhere life throws you a real sh*tter of a day. One of my recent posts was about finding toddlerhood easier than I ever though. While I stand by this, I feel the Gods of Smugness were looking down the day I clicked ‘publish’ and thought ‘lol, you wait ’til Wednesday, you wait’.
I’m not sure if I woke up in an awful mood and I I had next to no tolerance for little annoying things, or if the day had many more little annoying things than usual. I am sure I lost my sh*t and I’m very sure I felt extremely guilty at bedtime when both my babes told me they love me.
The day started with both children in a good mood. It started that way and then quickly flipped.
Neither baby beasts wanted their breakfast, most of that went on the floor. Their thinking process is “don’t want this. Throw it on the floor. Mummy will clean it up. She always cleans it up” and swears a little while doing it.
I’d loved to have eaten their snubbed at toast, but unfortunately I have an ulcer right at the back of my tongue which has made swallowing feel like I’ve just had my tonsils out. I was limited to pureed fruit and spinach which had gone a little watery, I don’t even know what possessed me to buy spinach in the first place. Maybe the sign of green in the fridge makes me feel healthy, before it’s thrown away. Or blended into a smoothie. So throwing their delicious looking toast into the bin made me a little sad.
I asked where they fancied going today and both agreed to go to the farm, but we need to get dressed to go there. They were happy to take their pyjamas off but the idea of putting a fresh set of clothes on sent them into hysterics, while running at full pace around the house. Obviously one fell over, at least their tears meant I could cuddle them into a pair of jeans.
My girl then decides to raid my makeup box, find the little pot of blush with a broken lid and launches the contents into our beautiful cream carpets. Now with a hint of pink, like a tie-dye carpet meant for the 60’s.
After I’d negotiated clothes onto the kids, I had to prepare the lunches.
(I only managed to get them dressed because I allowed my son to choose their outfits. They looked weird, but they were dressed)
When I prepare lunches for an outing I always say ‘we’re having a picnic’, it sounds much more enticing doesn’t it? So in our picnic we were having a peanut butter sandwich, a pack of cheddars and a nectarine. I can’t make a lunch in peace though because the kids always want things, they need wees, new nappies, a certain tv programme on or the cat. He wanted the black cat.
(They had this lunch, I had water. I wanted biscuits, but obvs not possible with my unfortunately placed ulcer. I hate that ulcer. I wanted nothing more than to sprinkle salt on it and watch it shrivel up to nothing, like a slug.)
“Well where is the black cat?”
“Where did you have it last?”
“You go upstairs then darling, while I finish making your picnic”
“No, mummy get it”
“I don’t know where it is though, just pop up and get it for me”
I’ll go and bloody get it then. Easy to find, right at the top of the sodding stairs. But it turns out he doesn’t want it now anyway. What he does want to do is continue to scream and have a tantrum, because he’d started already, why stop now?
We can all scream, I’m just going to sit in the toilet and scream into my hands for a few seconds, before declaring we’re not going to the farm and both of you can sit in your beds for the rest of the day. This sounded like a pretty solid idea, although going out is much better than staying home, things will be better once we’re out. I will threaten to cancel the day numerous times until they just let me prepare their picnic by angrily spreading peanut onto a slice of bread.
My boy beasts’ screaming is being bellowed with such force that I want to rip my ears off. I put him in his bed to calm down. Which of course, only makes him worse.
By this time I needed a timeout, just a couple of minutes to wonder why I’m behaving like such a bitter mum. When I walked back into his room he immediately apologized. This made me feel awful, I hugged him so tightly and he ended up helping me make the lunch.
His sister on the other hand pulled everything out of the bag as I put it in there. Really helpful.
On the journey to the farm, both toddler terrorists were demanding milk. I had to say ‘in a second’, every second.
The first hour on the farm was lovely. We were all enjoying stroking the animals, having a wander everywhere and things started to look up. Until it was time to have lunch.
We found a nice bench to sit on with full view of a tractor, the birds and a few pigs. A perfect location for them to eat their angrily spread peanut butter sandwiches. My darling boy ate his sandwiches and sat nicely. My weird daughter didn’t. She straightened her legs, leant forward, fell off the bench and faceplanted the floor. She cried but she landed on her hands and sandwich, she was absolutely fine. The most annoying part was I was on my phone at the time trying to call Mr Firstooth, so although I saw her tipping forward, I didn’t have time to catch her and it must have looked as though I was neglecting them for my phone. I never do that in public. Just at home.
I sat Miss M back on the bench, gave her a new square of sandwich and she did it again. Straightened her legs, leant forward and in slow-motion face-planted the floor. I’d run out of sandwiches not covered in mud by now so we packed up and left.
“You can thank your sister for this, we’re leaving now because she couldn’t sit properly”
I’m laughing as I type this, mostly at how she fell off the bench. But it felt like the end of the world at the time. Instead I thought we’d go to the beach, the kids could sleep in the car and they’d wake up refreshed and we’d all feel more positive about the day. So I strapped the kids into their seats and quickly gave their dad a call to let him know about our day. He decides to drop the bombshell that another job has come in and he will be “really late home”. Fantastic.
I drove to the beach and on the way we stopped at a set of traffic lights. Does everyone understand traffic lights? Green means go, red means stop (unless you’re in Paris, then anything goes apparently!). I was sat in the lane to turn right. The light for this lane was red. Red means stop. The light for the lane on the left of me, to go straight, was green. Yes, green means go. The idiot behind me obviously left his contact lenses at home that morning because he started beeping me. I felt my temper levels rise with each beep. Like a lady, I swore like a sailor about how much of a ‘twit’ this man was and waited until our light went green. Because green means go.
I hope he felt like the silly billy he was when he realized how a traffic light system works. The little devil.
When we arrived at the beach, both of my babes were asleep. They look so cute when they sleep. So I sat in the car with them and watched the waves rolling in and out for a while before leaving to go to Tesco. We needed milk.
I was right about their nap, they definitely were much chipper when they woke up. We enjoyed our afternoon and once dinner-time came I decided I’d eat just after they had finished.
I sat down to eat my meal and the following happened:
- Child 1 wanted chopped fruit
- Child 2 then wanted the same
- Child 1 needed a wee
- Child 1 then needed a poo
- Child 2 climbed onto the table
- Child 1 needed another poo
- Child 1 wanted to watch Peppa
- Mummy wanted to watch the Real Housewives of Cheshire
- Child 2 fell off her car
- Child 1 wanted a third dump
- Mummy gave up with dinner because, what’s the point
You know when you wake up in a bad mood and it makes the day seem that little bit more challenging and those tolerance levels are shockingly low. Sometimes I need to check myself before I wreck myself, but we’re only human and we all have our bad days.
I hope you enjoyed our perfect day out. If you’re fluent in sarcasm then please join us on Facebook. Or you can subscribe, it’s one e-mail a week with all the latest posts.